What is stopping you from getting what you want? How do you ask for what you want?
Being aware of how we ask for things is the first step to knowing what is stopping us from getting what we want in life.
If we ask for something and we think the answer we get say’s something about us personally then the fear of the answer being ‘no’ can often be the cause.
Getting a definite ‘no’ is great at stopping us from being caught up in trying to persuade the other person to accept our request.
One of the barriers to getting what we want is fear of rejection.
If you feel the person you are asking is better than you, it is possible you are looking for praise or recognition from them, so if the answer is a no, it can feel devastating.
What if you went about it in a different way?
What if you asked the right person for the right thing?
Here’s a few tips for getting what you want in life:
Make sure the person you ask is capable of giving you what you want.
Ask as if you expect a yes.
Ask with creativity.
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Jacci is a Psychotherapist who specialises in helping families, parents, and individuals better understand how their thoughts impact their reality, and in doing so helps change those thoughts to create a better reality.
Jacci now runs a private membership club Living Life Being Human: https://livinglifebeinghuman.com With over 30 years of experience in helping people, Jacci has tremendous wisdom to share to help anyone struggling better manage their anxiety, with some of the key points being;
• Understanding how our thoughts shape our reality and how we can better manage this through curiosity
• Parenting and how to better communicate our feelings
• Allowing yourself to be human
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Welcome to this next podcast, Jacci Jones and living life being human, I just wanted to ask you a question, really, ‘what is it that stopping you from getting what you want to in your life”. Is it a fear of the word no?
I’ve been doing quite a bit in the membership about this, and over the past week, I’ve been looking at Michael Neill’s Supercoach book which has got 10 secrets to transform your life and I would highly recommend you going and reading it, a lot of what’s in that is really resonating with me plus all the books that I’ve been listening to, while I’ve been out walking, I’m currently trying to do 100 miles in 100 days, which is literally a mile a day, finding the time to do that is maybe something for another podcast, but it’s really interesting, when I talk to people about asking for something. What that can bring up as individuals. For me, and if you listen back to any of my previous podcasts which I would strongly recommend that you do, I’ve talked quite a bit about my background, and how, you know, I’m a people pleaser. I have a massive ‘be strong’ driver, So for me to ask somebody for something is quite difficult, the reality is it’s not, I just make it really difficult, so there’s something for me about what it means if I need to ask somebody for help or advice, or anything in particular and dependent on not only where I am in that moment, as it were my state of mind is, if I’m tired, if I’m stressed, if I’m overworked that can impact on it, but it’s also the situation that I’m asking the question and so if I put that into some sort of reality, if I wanted a cup coffee. I do like a cup of coffee. So if I wanted a cup of coffee and I said to my son, “Go put the kettle on for me”. There’s no thought in that whatsoever. I’ve asked a question, and asked him to go and put the kettle on so I can have a cuppa, and it is what it is. If I was going to the bank manager to have to HASK, to ask him for money for a loan, I would have a whole load of thinking around that. One. Our life position comes into it, in transactional analysis which is what I’m trained in there’s something called Life positions, which is, I’m okay, you’re okay. I’m okay, you’re not okay. I’m not okay, you are okay, and I’m not okay, you’re not okay so we can move around these different positions which once you get your head around them, they’re quite easy. But status comes into that for me so if I was going into a room with a bank manager who potentially he is holding all the cards. I’m gonna go in and and be in a one down position, so the way that I would walk into that room would be, you’re okay, and i’m not because you hold all the cards. And in that one thought. The way that I asked for something, the way that I hold myself, my thoughts, my feelings and everything in that room are completely different to when I just asked my son ‘put the Kettle on for me. So there’s something about if I’m invested in the answer as well, that can have a big bearing on it. So why is it that some people can just ask and ask and ask for anything from anybody. And they’re fine with it. And for other people. You know, it’s, it’s a big thing. So, you know, it’s just about being curious about what that is and sometimes if we’re invested in what the outcome is, that can dictate how we feel about the whole thing, asking that question. And if we look at status again, you know that if I go into something with a you know one down position. The way that I asked the question, can be quite pleading, you know, please could you help build my self esteem and my confidence and please affirm that I am an okay person and I deserve to be in the world and all those things and as I’m saying that I can feel myself going lower and lower. But sometimes that’s how I feel I am when I’m asking a question. If it’s, I’m okay, you’re okay and we’re both on it even keel, you know, I’m asking a mate, “Do you want to go out tonight for a drink”, there’s, there’s not a lot of thought process goes into it. I don’t feel that they’re any better than me, or that I’m any lower than them,
It’s just about even. But the reality is a question is a question and to ask somebody for something, is exactly the same content until I bring it to life and I make stories up about that person, or me, you know, and if the answer to the question that I asked, is no, what does that mean for me, you know, am I going to be devastated by getting a no from that person, what does that mean?
Does that mean that they don’t like me?
Does that mean that I failed?
Does that mean that I’ve not done a good enough job?
Does that mean that I phrased it wrong?
There is a heap load of thinking that can go on around that and sometimes, you know, if we think about it, the answers potentially are, yes, no, I don’t know, those are the answers to whatever question we put to somebody.
So yes, is brilliant, you know, fantastic. If, I’ve got a no, although it might not be the response that we want, it kind of takes us off the hook a little bit, that if it’s a definite no, and I don’t need to get caught up in all that,
“What can I do to change their mind? Have I not done enough? What’s the process from this? I need to try and convince them, or up the ante or do something different”.
If it’s a no, it’s no. If it’s an I don’t know, then it’s just that, it’s a not now, it doesn’t mean that it’s a definite no it’s not a yes it’s just not at the moment.
So again it is the way I kind of take in that information and what I do with it. But one of the big barriers, you know, I find, for most people in asking questions and getting what we want out of life is a fear of being rejected, a fear of somebody discounting us, a fear of, you know, feeling inferior to the other person. There’s lots of fear around when we want something from somebody else.
So maybe if we went about it in a different way. You know, there’s a few tips that I would like to pass on around this. So, one thing that I would highly recommend to you is make sure that the person you ask is capable of giving you what you want. Because if we’re asking the wrong person for something, then we’re not going to get the answer that we want.
So, I don’t know.
Why do I always think about money when I’m thinking about questions? Maybe it’s something that if I wanted a lift into town with somebody, I wouldn’t ask somebody that couldn’t drive, that stands to reason and it’s a similar thing. If I want somebody to help me sort out a website, it’s important that I ask the right person, that they’ve got the right skills that they’ve got the time, that they’ve got the ability, and all those sorts of things.
So it’s not just about asking anybody anything. Sometimes it’s about, you know, making sure that we’re asking the right person, and that that person can do what I’m asking them to do. The other thing is, you know, sometimes it helps if we ask the person, expecting them to say yes, because it takes some of the pressure off as if we go into it and we’re expecting your no, like I said we can be quite apologetic, we can be, you know, going in a little bit lower than the other person because we’re expecting them to discount us and to say no. So if we go in expecting a yes, you know if we’ve already imagined that we’re going to get what we want from that person and walk out of that room on a high, we stand more chance of giving that energy to that person.
The other thing is be creative about how you ask him for things, you know.
Is it manipulative, for us to use what we can to our advantage in a situation, I’m not talking about manipulating the person or not talking about, you know scamming them or taking money off them or anything like that because that’s not good and I wouldn’t recommend anybody do that, but be creative with it.
Use your sense of humour, use, you know all the tricks that you’ve got in the book, you know, in bribery with kids, I’m talking about my son now ,if I wanted him to empty the dishwasher. Then, you know, I will manipulate the situation and say you know you can watch your programme tonight or do X, Y and Zed if you do this for me. So I’m more likely to get the result that I want to.
So it’s just about exploring this one. How do you go into that situation, asking for what you want. Are you going into it in the right frame of mind.
Are you going into it expecting a no, are you going into expecting a yes. And what story have you made up around that, you know, if it is a no, how do you take that, does that kind of cut through like a knife and it’s absolutely devastating for you. Or, are you okay with that, that you don’t take it personally because it’s more to do with the other person and how they receive it, then whether it’s personal to me, doesn’t mean that they don’t like me if they say no, maybe it’s just that they haven’t got the time to do it.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough or worthy enough if somebody says no, it might mean that actually they are worn out, they haven’t got the time or the energy to do that at the moment, and that has no bearing on me whatsoever.
It’s not personal. It’s nothing to do with me. It might be that that person feels that they haven’t got the right skills, even though I see them as this persona, I see them as being perfectly capable, they might be a bit insecure, they might not feel that they’re good enough to do whatever it is that I’m asking them to do.
So there’s a lot of stuff that goes on in that room, and it’s not all about me. If I get out of my own way, and look at it, you know from a ‘here and now, I’m okay, you’re okay position’, asking people for something, asking people for help and advice is not such a big deal, and we don’t need to make it into a big deal.
So I hope that’s kind of given you something to muse over, and feel free to ask me any questions, feel free to comment underneath this if you’re watching it on YouTube, or if you’re listening to this on a podcast, you can contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org and I shall speak to you all soon in the next episode, take care.